It has been a couple months since my last post. I have had some pretty hard times since my last post and I did not really feel like posting anything since I felt that things were crumbling around me. I had a good friend ask me if I had ever thought of participating in online bible study and I had always thought about it but never followed through. I figured that I would let her send me some information and check it out and decide after that. It turns out that it is was nice and I jumped in feet first. I must say that I am very pleased with everything and I have participated in one online bible study via facebook and have already signed up for another bible study that starts in 6 days. Then in 6 weeks me and two friends will be traveling to Normal, IL to attend a national conference that consists of workshops and two main sessions hosted by 2 popular speakers. I am looking forward to it and I am also looking forward to a new year full of awesome opportunities and a new improved me.
I kicked off my new year by changing my hair color and got a really nice new hairstyle (I have included a pic below) and I have recently received some good news that has lifted my spirits. I am sorry that this post is so short but I am going to try and keep up with it on a regular basis and post at least two or three times a week. Until next time I wish everyone well and will see you again soon.
Why is that people are only concerned with scars that are visible? They will ask such questions like what happened to you? What did you do to get that scar? When you have visible scars is it easy to explain what happened, but when you have scars that are internal no one knows they are there but you. There are people that walk around with many internal scars and it is hard to deal with sometimes because no one knows how you feel.
I have many internal scars that no one knows about and they just sit inside me and they never really go away. I find it easier to deal with external scars because I can put a band-aid on them and after a while they heal and disappear but the internal ones never go away. I have a scar on my arm from the accident where there was glass embedded in my arm and it has been almost 6 months and that scar is still very visible. I have scars that are within me and I know they will be with me forever no matter how much I would like them to disappear. I deal with flashbacks and my own personal demons on a daily basis some days are easier then others. I wish I could go back and turn the hands of time but i can’t and I will live with that for the rest of my life. My life was changed so drastically almost 6 months ago and I think that sometimes it over takes my thoughts and I am constantly worried if this is how my life will be from now on. it does not matter how hard I try to forget it or put it out of my mind it is in my head when I open my eyes in the morning till I shut my eyes at night. I miss the person that I once was because I did not have this huge event hanging over my head and was able to go a day without wondering what is going to happen next.
Things in town have gotten better but I can’t shake the fact that I will always be known as the woman that caused a fatal car crash and it ended the life of a father of 3 and changed the life of a woman. Several lives were changed that day but outside sources only see two lives being changed and they never once stop to think about how it affected me. My life is no picnic and I have dealt with horrible things that no one should ever have to deal with but I internalize it and move on. I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders and the only time I can let go of it is when I go see my counselor and talk through my feelings, but like clock work when I leave her office an hour later my shoulders get weighed down again. I think blogging is helping me to release this burden in between my visits with my counselor. i am in a tough place at this point because I am on medication and even though I know that right now that is what I need to keep my self sane I don’t like the fact that I rely on a pill to regulate my emotions. I never dreamed that I would in the situation I am in right now but I am here right now and I am trying my best to deal with the obstacles that are set in front of me.
Till next time,
I have come to accept that my life never be the same again. My life was so different 6 months ago and I was at a different place then. I thought my life was over because everything that I knew was crashing down around me. Six months ago yesterday I was unsure of what my future would hold for me because I was sure that the cops would be knocking at my door and slap handcuffs on me. It was very exhausting to have the feeling of looking over your shoulder and worrying constantly about the “what if’s” and I still carry that feeling with me because nothing has really even been settled regarding the accident. I am in the process of fighting a traffic citation that I received from the accident and then the whole wrongful death lawsuit that has been brought against me and my employer. I want more then anything for this whole thing to be done and over with, I would rather deal with a couple crappy days so that I can work through the emotions and or anger and move on. Instead right now I am dealing with months and months of uncertainty because everything is up in the air.
Six months ago I dealt with more bad days then good and now I am experiencing some good days but the bad days keep creeping up on me. I don’t want to go back to the person I was then because I felt so helpless and miserable but sometimes I feel like I am sinking back into the depression that I was dealing with before if that makes any sense. I am struggling to overcome depression and I know that is not an easy journey and sometimes I wish I could just fast forward to the end of my journey. I know that depression is a hard thing to overcome and most days I am bothered by how exhausting my new life is and other days I just try to blow it off but that never really works out good. I know things can never go back to the way they were before and that scares me because one event has permanently changed my life. I was never a big fan of change but I guess that can be said for anyone because we don’t ever handle change very well. It felt like my life six months ago was going along great and then the accident happened and it changed my life and how I act toward others and I took on this new attitude but there were some good things that came out of it because it made me appreciate my life a lot more. It made me realize that life is to short and in the blink of an eye it can change and our loved ones could be taken away from us.
I now live my life with what I call the new normal and most days it sucks because I remember how things were before and now they are so different. I don’t think I will ever be totally okay with my new normal life but I think that goes back to change is a hard thing to deal with. I am working on acceptance though and I will continue to come to terms that this is my new life and there is nothing I can do to change it.
Till next time,
Some days are harder then others but most days I have no emotion because I am so exhausted of worrying about all the issues occurring in my life. It is so exhausting to be me some days and I try my hardest to let go of my day to day struggles but I can’t turn my brain off. It feels like I am always in constant fight or flight and that is so draining on my mental state.
I know that I have come a long way in my life and not just with the accident but in everyday life. I have grown a lot since high school and the person I used to be, I had to grow up fast right after high school because I did not just have to take care of myself but I had a baby to care for. I got pregnant right out of high school and I don’t regret it for one minute because now I have a handsome young man that I call my son and he will be graduating next may from high school. I basically raised him on my own along the way I did have help from my wonderful mother and my amazing husband. I am happy with the decision that I made to have him and even though it changed my life it made me the woman I am today. I am very lucky to have a wonderful support system that consists of my husband and my mother and several fabulous friends. I am not sure where I would be without them because anytime I have needed them to vent or just spend time with they have been there. I know that I will move on from this accident and the situation that I am going through but I am tired of always overcoming obstacles one after another. I also know that life is not easy and not without its struggles but it just seems that lately that I have had one catastrophe after another.
I could choose to continue to feel sorry for myself or I could move on with my life and choose to take each day as it comes and make the best of it. I know life is hard but I am not ready to just sit in the corner and complain about how hard it is I choose to live each day to the fullest and push forward because I know that this storm will pass and I will see the bright light at the end of the tunnel. It make take a while to get through this journey I am on but I am going to keep my head up and continue because if I give up then they have won and I am not ready to let that happen.
I just have to keep in mind that I am lucky to be alive and I have so much going for me right now and I have so much more good things ahead of me. I have a beautiful family and they are what keeps me going and I am a grandma and I cherish every moment that I get to spend with my beautiful granddaughter.
The People in My Life That Keep Me Going
Till Next Time,
Growing up in a small town has it’s benefits such as everyone knows everyone, but that can also be a bad thing to. It is hard to hide things in a small town because everyone knows your business even though you try to keep it hidden. I also think it is difficult moving to a small town because they already have their own cliques set up and most of the people in that town have grown up together and many times look down on a new member to their community. I grew up in a small town area but it not as small as the town I live in now. I have lived here for almost 12 years and when I first move here it was hard because I did not know anyone except my husband and a handful of his family members. Slowly I began to meet new people but for many years I never had really close friends that I made in town. Now I can say that I am lucky enough to have some close friends that live in town and I feel a little comfortable. For many years I walked around and loved the fact that I was not well known and since i did not grow up here and only moved here when I met my husband I flew under the radar. But that all changed when my accident occurred and my name hit the papers and it was aired on t.v. it feels like I walk around town with a target on my back. Even though things have improved since the accident I still catch people whispering and pointing at me when I walk in the store or gas station. I know that I will never get away from that unless I move and at this point in my life moving is not possible and I am not sure if i could move that I would do that because all that would accomplish would be running away from my problems instead of facing them head on. I continue to push forward and deal with each obstacle that is put in front of me. I know I am strong enough to overcome this hard time in my life but sometimes it is so hard.
Till Next Time,
I am new to blogging but I figured I would give this a try. I have done journaling and even though that seemed to help me, it just mostly felt like I was talking to myself. You see I was involved in a car crash five and half months ago that changed my life forever. I have dealt with every emotion imaginable and was diagnosed with PTSD & Survivors Guilt. The backlash that I have received is a little overwhelming at times and many times feels like I can’t breathe.
I guess I should start at the beginning I am employed by a group home that cares for clients who are developmentally disabled and my title is DSP and I absolutely love my job. I work 3rd shift and now I only work that shift, but five and half months ago I used to work 3rd shift and then a day shift on Saturdays. That Saturday was like any normal day I went into work and on Saturdays after lunch we take the clients out for a van ride and then stop by the local gas station to buy them pops and then head back home. We went on a van ride and was nearing the end of our ride and was headed back home. I was the driver of the van and another co-worker was the passenger and then we had six clients with us. We were out in the country and I came to a stop sign and came to a complete stop and waited till three vehicles came from the left side of me, while they were passing in front of me I looked to my right and saw no traffic approaching. The three vehicles passed in front of me and then I looked to my right once more and saw no traffic for the second time and pulled out in the intersection and that was when we were struck from the rear end by a motorcycle and it caused the van to spin around and flip over on its driver side.
I don’t remember very much because the last thing I remember was being at the stop sign and then when I opened my eyes the van was on its side and the clients were yelling and screaming and I heard sirens. I was crying and unbuckled my seat belt so that I could try to turn over and see how my clients were doing. I was unable to do so because the seat belt was stuck and I could not unfasten it. Paramedics were there within minutes and they were cutting part of the roof off to extract me and the six clients that were stuck in the van. Everything went by so fast and most of it is a blur but I was removed from the van and transported to the hospital where they ran several tests and they all came back good. I had a severe concussion and some back pain and my left arm had glass embedded in it. I asked what happened to the people who hit the van and if they were ok and they would not tell me anything. When I was released I was wheeled out into the front lobby of the hospital and saw a bunch of people crying and hugging each other and that was when it clicked that the other people were brought to the same hospital as me. I heard a nurse talking to my husband and heard that it was a motorcycle that hit us and the driver of the motorcycle had passed away and then occupant on the back was airlifted to Rockford and was in critical condition.
I was so upset and could not believe that the accident even happened and that is when my life changed and I can never go back even though I really wish I could. I have dealt with a lot since the accident it made the newspapers and I was persecuted by people I did not even know. They were saying horrible things like I should be charged with manslaughter and that if I would have stopped at the stop sign the man would still be alive. It got even worse when I was not charged with anything and was only ticketed with failure to yield to avoid an accident. Several times in town I was confronted by people I did not even know and they called me a killer and murderer and that caused me to not even want to go out of my house. I went into a deep depression and have not really come out of completely. I still have anxiety issues and occasionally have trouble sleeping and have nightmares. Due to the aftermath I am on medication and that is difficult for me because I don’t want to rely on a pill to make me feel good, but it has been much-needed and has helped on this journey through the darkness. Some days are better than others but I am hanging in there and dealing with the obstacles that come my way. I am currently in counseling and working through the aftermath of the car crash. It is hard because it feels like I am walking in a tunnel and when I look forward it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel gets farther and farther away. Everyone tells me to keep my head up and that is going to get worse before it gets better but to me it feels like everyday since the accident happened has been one bad day after another.
It does not help that his family and my family live in the same town and in a small town word gets around and that results in stares and people pointing at you and whispering behind your back. I can’t go back and change the events of that day and I will have to live with it for the rest of my life. Several lives were changed when them two vehicles collided with each other and if I could bring the driver of the motorcycle back I would but sadly life does not work that way. I lived and he is gone but I am dealing with enormous guilt because I am here and he is gone. I am hoping that releasing my feelings on this blog and receiving feedback will help me to see things in a different perspective.
I welcome any and all feedback all I ask is that if you are going to be mean and hateful please don’t bother to comment because I have enough going on right now and I choose not to deal with more negativity.