I have been away for a while but things in my life got a bit hectic, I am hoping that things have calmed down a little and I will have time for this blog. If you have been following this blog you know I created it as an outlet for my feelings that came when I had a car crash last year (2014). My life has changed a lot since then and I am slowly getting back tot he person I once was. I have done a lot of new things in the last year and half and met a lot of new people that probably never would have came into my life had the event last year never happened. I am still at my job as a DSP and I love it more now then I did when I started, there are some bad days but that is true of any job. I have a great set of co-workers that make work life fun and interesting 🙂 I have said it before but I have finally found a job that does not feel like work and that is the best part of it. I have also become a Jamberry Nails Consultant and that is another fun adventure that I jumped into and so far it is fun. I get to have online parties with woman and show them beautiful wraps. I am riding the wave of success and can’t wait to see where it takes me 🙂
Tomorrow I am starting my 5th online bible study and I am excited because the book we are reading is by a great woman that is going to teach me to not become so unglued and how to control my emotions. I am going to close for now but I will be back and will be posting my overview of the book “UNGLUED” for the next 6 weeks so join in and let me know what you think.
Till Next Time,
Good Morning All,
I sit here in my scrapbooking room and the windows are open and the fresh air is blowing in and I am loving the nice weather and the sounds of the day. For the last couple days I have the windows open in my room and the sounds of birds in the morning are wonderful. Hard to believe that one of the sounds of summer could make me cringe and keep bringing back horrible thoughts. The sound I am referring to is the sound of a motorcycle that is revving up and passing by, I never liked motorcycles before because I think they are unsafe. Now I believe that more so and I have to get used to hearing that sound because when the weather gets nice there will be more and more outside. It is going to take a lot of strength to overcome this obstacle in front of me but i know it will happen. I know this first summer is going to be hard for me in so many ways and there are things that will come up that will try and knock me down but if I work hard they may knock me down for a brief moment but when I get up I will come back stronger than I was before I fell. I will not let this accident that I was in define who I am and rule my life. I am on a beautiful to create a new and improved me and reclaim my life. I am thankful for the accident and I know that sounds weird but because of this terrible tragedy my life was changed and I was in a sense born again and was able to see the things in my life that need fixing. It will not all get fixed overnight but I know what needs to be changed and I am slowly turning my life around. It has also let me know that I should never take life for granted and always be thankful for what you have and the ones that are in your life. MAKE EVERYDAY COUNT!!! I have no idea what is next for me but I am loving the journey that I am on.
Till next time,
Anxiety attacks for me can pop up unexpectedly I can go from 0 on my anxiety scale straight to a 10 in 2 seconds flat. Let me explain. Tonight my husband and I went to a restaurant that is about 10 minutes away from home for their famous Taco Tuesday. We walked in and sat down and we were expecting it to be busy but there was hardly anyone there. We placed our order with our waitress and then waited for our food to come and all of a sudden the place started to get packed and my anxiety scale started to get higher and higher and before as people kept coming in it climbed to 10 if not higher. I should explain why it was so high when I had the accident last year the driver of the motorcycle lived in the same town as me and so does his family. My anxiety scale is on high alert when I step outside my house now a days because I am always afraid that I will be spotted and someone will be so bold to confront me like they did last summer. Last summer I was out on a walk and two woman that I have no clue who they are confronted me and basically called me a killer. Ever since then I am apprehensive of going away from my house. My husband wonders why I am so worried because he says they may know my name but they don’t know who I am. I disagree because if it happen with them two woman that I did not even know it could happen again. I live in a small town and everyone knows everyone so it is not so far fetched that they know who I am. Anyway back to the restaurant when people started filing in my anxiety started to elevate and I was having the beginning of an anxiety attack. I could feel my face get warm and then my heart was racing and my hand and legs felt like there pins and needles being jabbed into them. My breathing was get heavy and I began trying to chew on my nails. We were almost done eating so we got the bill and the food that was left over was shoved into a to go box and I immediately went to the car. My husband went and paid the bill but I had to get the heck out of there. Now I should clarify there was no good reason for me to have an anxiety attack but sometimes they are beyond my control. I was nervous that a family member of his would walk but it never happened but you could not convince me that it would not happen.
I have a sneaking feeling that this summer is going to be full of extreme lows and that is because like I said before the anniversary is approaching. Another reason is what comes out in the summer that’s right motorcycles and that is what the guy was driving. I am going to have to take it one day at a time and try and face my fears but not to the point where it will overwhelm me. I am determined to not let my anxiety win and ruin my summer but i guess only time will tell.
Thanks for reading,
It has been a while since my lost post but I have been busy with life (work and taking care of my family) but more than that I have been working on myself and that has been a hard task but a beautiful journey. I am coming to grips that my life is always going to consist of a bumpy ride on a roller coaster of emotions and it will never be smooth like I so desperately want it to. The reason I started this blog was because of a car crash in May of last year. I was the driver in the crash and it resulted in a death of a great man. I believe that day it resulted in the death of myself but not in the way you would think. The crash that day I lost myself and nothing will ever bring the old me back. I am going through counseling and trying to find a new normal and the hopes of finding pieces of me that were there before. Everyday I keep wishing that I can get back to where I was before but everyday I am reminded that the person I was before the accident is gone forever never to return. I know that I am personally hindering my recovery by wanting to go back to the person I was before the accident but I can’t help because everything right now is new and uncomfortable to me and I so desperately want to cling to something that is old and normal for me.
Everyday is still a huge struggle for me but I keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying to be positive but that is VERY hard. I am having some old feelings of the depression I experience on a daily basis and I know it is because the 1 year anniversary is approaching and I am starting to feel anxiety. When I experience these feelings of depression I can feel myself pushing away the people that I love and are always there for me because I don’t want them to see the struggle that is my everyday life. I know that is not healthy and I have a wonderful counselor that is helping me to learn to let the people in that love me because they only want to help. But it is hard because I am worried that they will judge me.
Part of me feels that I have never fully recovered from the trauma that I have went through and I am wondering if this is how the rest of my life is going to be. While part of me knows that I will make it through this I just want instant results but that is not going to happen. Recovering from any kind of trauma takes time and positive energy and relying on a support system. I have all them things and a lot more it is just hard to stay positive most days. I am continuing on this long beautiful journey to come out on the other end as a refreshed and positive woman that has everything to live for. I am enjoying the ride that I am on because I am learning more about myself than I ever have before. I am changing parts of the old me and replacing them with brand new energetic positive parts and after I come out of the darkness I will be someone that I can appreciate and love.
Till next time,
Have you ever looked at a picture of a family and thought wow what a perfect family. I think a picture of a family can be a little deceiving. Everything in the picture looks great you have a mother and a father and children and they are smiling and happy and that makes them look perfect but is that just a mask or are they really that happy. I am sure they are happy but for one minute look at it differently maybe the parents are divorced and the parents are still civil with each other for the children and they are doing a family picture. Another instance maybe a blended family where the parents in the picture share children in the picture. That is what my family picture is and if you saw my picture you probably would of never guessed it. My point is there is more to the picture then meets the eye. Have you ever noticed that you only see pictures of good times such as birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, and new babies, etc that is because no one wants to have a picture to remind them of the bad times. I think when kids get older or at any age for that matter they get irritated with taking family pictures and would rather be somewhere else doing something else. I know that is true in my family the above picture took a lot of persuasion to get taken. We were at Yellowstone National Park and there was this zoo area with some different animals and getting them all together was a huge task. I am always on the lookout when we are doing some things that I would like to remember them forever it is always PICTURE TIME!!!!….lol that makes the kids cringe. This picture for example my step daughter is sitting on the tree like that because she saw a tiny spider on it and she did not want to sit on the log. I had to beg her for like 5 minutes to please sit on the log so we could snap the picture and then we would be done. The boys have a story as well…I had to ask them to pose like that they were just going to stand there with their hands by their side. They did not like it because it was hot that day and they wanted to hurry and get it done. Just when I got them to cooperate my step daughter noticed the spider….ugh!!!! Now this is my favorite because of the little backstage drama…lol
Remember that the next time you look at someones picture that you are only looking at a little 15 second snapshot of their life and we are not there for what really happens so try not to judge them from that picture alone. There is no perfect family (no matter how good the picture looks) and that is ok because if your family was perfect and never made mistakes you would get really bored. I am learning that I don’t have to do everything all myself and it is ok if my house is dirty for a day. (I may not like it but I am learning to let it go and carve out some time for myself) This year has given me a new outlook on life and I am starting to see things in a new way. I am enjoying this journey that I am on to the new me and it has only been 28 days and I look forward to the rest of the year and many new opportunities and more life changing experiences.
Until next time,
I have come to accept that my life never be the same again. My life was so different 6 months ago and I was at a different place then. I thought my life was over because everything that I knew was crashing down around me. Six months ago yesterday I was unsure of what my future would hold for me because I was sure that the cops would be knocking at my door and slap handcuffs on me. It was very exhausting to have the feeling of looking over your shoulder and worrying constantly about the “what if’s” and I still carry that feeling with me because nothing has really even been settled regarding the accident. I am in the process of fighting a traffic citation that I received from the accident and then the whole wrongful death lawsuit that has been brought against me and my employer. I want more then anything for this whole thing to be done and over with, I would rather deal with a couple crappy days so that I can work through the emotions and or anger and move on. Instead right now I am dealing with months and months of uncertainty because everything is up in the air.
Six months ago I dealt with more bad days then good and now I am experiencing some good days but the bad days keep creeping up on me. I don’t want to go back to the person I was then because I felt so helpless and miserable but sometimes I feel like I am sinking back into the depression that I was dealing with before if that makes any sense. I am struggling to overcome depression and I know that is not an easy journey and sometimes I wish I could just fast forward to the end of my journey. I know that depression is a hard thing to overcome and most days I am bothered by how exhausting my new life is and other days I just try to blow it off but that never really works out good. I know things can never go back to the way they were before and that scares me because one event has permanently changed my life. I was never a big fan of change but I guess that can be said for anyone because we don’t ever handle change very well. It felt like my life six months ago was going along great and then the accident happened and it changed my life and how I act toward others and I took on this new attitude but there were some good things that came out of it because it made me appreciate my life a lot more. It made me realize that life is to short and in the blink of an eye it can change and our loved ones could be taken away from us.
I now live my life with what I call the new normal and most days it sucks because I remember how things were before and now they are so different. I don’t think I will ever be totally okay with my new normal life but I think that goes back to change is a hard thing to deal with. I am working on acceptance though and I will continue to come to terms that this is my new life and there is nothing I can do to change it.
Till next time,
Some days are harder then others but most days I have no emotion because I am so exhausted of worrying about all the issues occurring in my life. It is so exhausting to be me some days and I try my hardest to let go of my day to day struggles but I can’t turn my brain off. It feels like I am always in constant fight or flight and that is so draining on my mental state.
I know that I have come a long way in my life and not just with the accident but in everyday life. I have grown a lot since high school and the person I used to be, I had to grow up fast right after high school because I did not just have to take care of myself but I had a baby to care for. I got pregnant right out of high school and I don’t regret it for one minute because now I have a handsome young man that I call my son and he will be graduating next may from high school. I basically raised him on my own along the way I did have help from my wonderful mother and my amazing husband. I am happy with the decision that I made to have him and even though it changed my life it made me the woman I am today. I am very lucky to have a wonderful support system that consists of my husband and my mother and several fabulous friends. I am not sure where I would be without them because anytime I have needed them to vent or just spend time with they have been there. I know that I will move on from this accident and the situation that I am going through but I am tired of always overcoming obstacles one after another. I also know that life is not easy and not without its struggles but it just seems that lately that I have had one catastrophe after another.
I could choose to continue to feel sorry for myself or I could move on with my life and choose to take each day as it comes and make the best of it. I know life is hard but I am not ready to just sit in the corner and complain about how hard it is I choose to live each day to the fullest and push forward because I know that this storm will pass and I will see the bright light at the end of the tunnel. It make take a while to get through this journey I am on but I am going to keep my head up and continue because if I give up then they have won and I am not ready to let that happen.
I just have to keep in mind that I am lucky to be alive and I have so much going for me right now and I have so much more good things ahead of me. I have a beautiful family and they are what keeps me going and I am a grandma and I cherish every moment that I get to spend with my beautiful granddaughter.
The People in My Life That Keep Me Going
Till Next Time,