Face of Mental Illness

When people hear that individuals are suffering from a mental illness they always think the worst but you could be friends with a person that suffers from a form mental illness and unless you know them very well you would never know it. You could think you know them and they could still be hiding it from you for fear of judgement.

The proper definition of mental illness is as follows:

Mental illness refers to a wide range of mental health conditions — disorders that affect your mood, thinking and behavior. Examples of mental illness include depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, eating disorders and addictive behaviors.

The most common mental illness is anxiety disorders and then the most well known one would be depression. I fall into the category of having a mental illness, I have anxiety issues and depression and PTSD. I am currently receiving treatment for these from my counselor. I was diagnosed with all three of these after the accident I was involved in last year. When my counselor diagnosed me I remember feeling so ashamed and embarrassed and was so concerned with how people would look at me. Admitting that you have a mental illness is difficult because of the way society portrays these individuals in movies and magazines and even the commercials that advertise medication to treat these disorders. I struggle everyday with my illness but not everyday is bad there are good days. I have highs and lows the thing you have to learn is how to deal with the lows so that they don’t consume your life. It goes without saying that your lows are going to be pretty bad and in my case can last for a while but it will pass and you will make it. I am taking medication which is something I never ever wanted to do because I did not want to rely on a pill to regulate my emotions. I have learned that the medication was necessary if I wanted to get better and I am suing them in combination with counseling every couple weeks and I am happy to report that after being on the medicine for almost a year it is really helping me. Everyday is a struggle but I am learning new tools that have helped me control my anxiety. 9e1622b289d7378276ae249b7de8812f It is hard to describe how it feels to have depression in my case I spend most of the time pretending that everything is ok and putting on a smile so that no one suspects that I am falling apart inside. I have a hard time showing the real me and asking for help when I need it. My counselor is working with me to try and overcome this huge obstacle but since the accident I am constantly concerned about what people think of me. 1511898_1045462985467592_902159623652681487_nI know that I should not be concerned with what people think of me but when your name is splashed on the newspaper website along with the newspaper it kind of hits home. It does not help that people that don’t even know me talk about me and say mean and nasty things about me. After you hear this for so long you begin to try and put yourself out there in a way that others won’t say things about you. My point of this whole blog is that you never know if the person that is sitting next to you right now has a mental illness because they try so hard to hide it so other will never know. If you know someone with a mental illness be careful how you treat them because you never know if they are having a good day or a bad day.

Till next time,

Priscilla

Emotional Healing

Why is that people are only concerned with scars that are visible? They will ask such questions like what happened to you? What did you do to get that scar? When you have visible scars is it easy to explain what happened, but when you have scars that are internal no one knows they are there but you. There are people that walk around with many internal scars and it is hard to deal with sometimes because no one knows how you feel.

I have many internal scars that no one knows about and they just sit inside me and they never really go away. I find it easier to deal with external scars because I can put a band-aid on them and after a while they heal and disappear but the internal ones never go away. I have a scar on my arm from the accident where there was glass embedded in my arm and it has been almost 6 months and that scar is still very visible. I have scars that are within me and I know they will be with me forever no matter how much I would like them to disappear. I deal with flashbacks and my own personal demons on a daily basis some days are easier then others. I wish I could go back and turn the hands of time but i can’t and I will live with that for the rest of my life. My life was changed so drastically almost 6 months ago and I think that sometimes it over takes my thoughts and I am constantly worried if this is how my life will be from now on. it does not matter how hard I try to forget it or put it out of my mind it is in my head when I open my eyes in the morning till I shut my eyes at night. I miss the person that I once was because I did not have this huge event hanging over my head and was able to go a day without wondering what is going to happen next.

Things in town have gotten better but I can’t shake the fact that I will always be known as the woman that caused a fatal car crash and it ended the life of a father of 3 and changed the life of a woman. Several lives were changed that day but outside sources only see two lives being changed and they never once stop to think about how it affected me. My life is no picnic and I have dealt with horrible things that no one should ever have to deal with but I internalize it and move on. I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders and the only time I can let go of it is when I go see my counselor and talk through my feelings, but like clock work when I leave her office an hour later my shoulders get weighed down again. I think blogging is helping me to release this burden in between my visits with my counselor. i am in a tough place at this point because I am on medication and even though I know that right now that is what I need to keep my self sane I don’t like the fact that I rely on a pill to regulate my emotions. I never dreamed that I would in the situation I am in right now but I am here right now and I am trying my best to deal with the obstacles that are set in front of me.

Till next time,

Priscilla