It has been a while since my lost post but I have been busy with life (work and taking care of my family) but more than that I have been working on myself and that has been a hard task but a beautiful journey. I am coming to grips that my life is always going to consist of a bumpy ride on a roller coaster of emotions and it will never be smooth like I so desperately want it to. The reason I started this blog was because of a car crash in May of last year. I was the driver in the crash and it resulted in a death of a great man. I believe that day it resulted in the death of myself but not in the way you would think. The crash that day I lost myself and nothing will ever bring the old me back. I am going through counseling and trying to find a new normal and the hopes of finding pieces of me that were there before. Everyday I keep wishing that I can get back to where I was before but everyday I am reminded that the person I was before the accident is gone forever never to return. I know that I am personally hindering my recovery by wanting to go back to the person I was before the accident but I can’t help because everything right now is new and uncomfortable to me and I so desperately want to cling to something that is old and normal for me.
Everyday is still a huge struggle for me but I keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying to be positive but that is VERY hard. I am having some old feelings of the depression I experience on a daily basis and I know it is because the 1 year anniversary is approaching and I am starting to feel anxiety. When I experience these feelings of depression I can feel myself pushing away the people that I love and are always there for me because I don’t want them to see the struggle that is my everyday life. I know that is not healthy and I have a wonderful counselor that is helping me to learn to let the people in that love me because they only want to help. But it is hard because I am worried that they will judge me.
Part of me feels that I have never fully recovered from the trauma that I have went through and I am wondering if this is how the rest of my life is going to be. While part of me knows that I will make it through this I just want instant results but that is not going to happen. Recovering from any kind of trauma takes time and positive energy and relying on a support system. I have all them things and a lot more it is just hard to stay positive most days. I am continuing on this long beautiful journey to come out on the other end as a refreshed and positive woman that has everything to live for. I am enjoying the ride that I am on because I am learning more about myself than I ever have before. I am changing parts of the old me and replacing them with brand new energetic positive parts and after I come out of the darkness I will be someone that I can appreciate and love.
Till next time,