Why is that people are only concerned with scars that are visible? They will ask such questions like what happened to you? What did you do to get that scar? When you have visible scars is it easy to explain what happened, but when you have scars that are internal no one knows they are there but you. There are people that walk around with many internal scars and it is hard to deal with sometimes because no one knows how you feel.
I have many internal scars that no one knows about and they just sit inside me and they never really go away. I find it easier to deal with external scars because I can put a band-aid on them and after a while they heal and disappear but the internal ones never go away. I have a scar on my arm from the accident where there was glass embedded in my arm and it has been almost 6 months and that scar is still very visible. I have scars that are within me and I know they will be with me forever no matter how much I would like them to disappear. I deal with flashbacks and my own personal demons on a daily basis some days are easier then others. I wish I could go back and turn the hands of time but i can’t and I will live with that for the rest of my life. My life was changed so drastically almost 6 months ago and I think that sometimes it over takes my thoughts and I am constantly worried if this is how my life will be from now on. it does not matter how hard I try to forget it or put it out of my mind it is in my head when I open my eyes in the morning till I shut my eyes at night. I miss the person that I once was because I did not have this huge event hanging over my head and was able to go a day without wondering what is going to happen next.
Things in town have gotten better but I can’t shake the fact that I will always be known as the woman that caused a fatal car crash and it ended the life of a father of 3 and changed the life of a woman. Several lives were changed that day but outside sources only see two lives being changed and they never once stop to think about how it affected me. My life is no picnic and I have dealt with horrible things that no one should ever have to deal with but I internalize it and move on. I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders and the only time I can let go of it is when I go see my counselor and talk through my feelings, but like clock work when I leave her office an hour later my shoulders get weighed down again. I think blogging is helping me to release this burden in between my visits with my counselor. i am in a tough place at this point because I am on medication and even though I know that right now that is what I need to keep my self sane I don’t like the fact that I rely on a pill to regulate my emotions. I never dreamed that I would in the situation I am in right now but I am here right now and I am trying my best to deal with the obstacles that are set in front of me.
Till next time,