I have come to accept that my life never be the same again. My life was so different 6 months ago and I was at a different place then. I thought my life was over because everything that I knew was crashing down around me. Six months ago yesterday I was unsure of what my future would hold for me because I was sure that the cops would be knocking at my door and slap handcuffs on me. It was very exhausting to have the feeling of looking over your shoulder and worrying constantly about the “what if’s” and I still carry that feeling with me because nothing has really even been settled regarding the accident. I am in the process of fighting a traffic citation that I received from the accident and then the whole wrongful death lawsuit that has been brought against me and my employer. I want more then anything for this whole thing to be done and over with, I would rather deal with a couple crappy days so that I can work through the emotions and or anger and move on. Instead right now I am dealing with months and months of uncertainty because everything is up in the air.
Six months ago I dealt with more bad days then good and now I am experiencing some good days but the bad days keep creeping up on me. I don’t want to go back to the person I was then because I felt so helpless and miserable but sometimes I feel like I am sinking back into the depression that I was dealing with before if that makes any sense. I am struggling to overcome depression and I know that is not an easy journey and sometimes I wish I could just fast forward to the end of my journey. I know that depression is a hard thing to overcome and most days I am bothered by how exhausting my new life is and other days I just try to blow it off but that never really works out good. I know things can never go back to the way they were before and that scares me because one event has permanently changed my life. I was never a big fan of change but I guess that can be said for anyone because we don’t ever handle change very well. It felt like my life six months ago was going along great and then the accident happened and it changed my life and how I act toward others and I took on this new attitude but there were some good things that came out of it because it made me appreciate my life a lot more. It made me realize that life is to short and in the blink of an eye it can change and our loved ones could be taken away from us.
I now live my life with what I call the new normal and most days it sucks because I remember how things were before and now they are so different. I don’t think I will ever be totally okay with my new normal life but I think that goes back to change is a hard thing to deal with. I am working on acceptance though and I will continue to come to terms that this is my new life and there is nothing I can do to change it.
Till next time,