I am new to blogging but I figured I would give this a try. I have done journaling and even though that seemed to help me, it just mostly felt like I was talking to myself. You see I was involved in a car crash five and half months ago that changed my life forever. I have dealt with every emotion imaginable and was diagnosed with PTSD & Survivors Guilt. The backlash that I have received is a little overwhelming at times and many times feels like I can’t breathe.
I guess I should start at the beginning I am employed by a group home that cares for clients who are developmentally disabled and my title is DSP and I absolutely love my job. I work 3rd shift and now I only work that shift, but five and half months ago I used to work 3rd shift and then a day shift on Saturdays. That Saturday was like any normal day I went into work and on Saturdays after lunch we take the clients out for a van ride and then stop by the local gas station to buy them pops and then head back home. We went on a van ride and was nearing the end of our ride and was headed back home. I was the driver of the van and another co-worker was the passenger and then we had six clients with us. We were out in the country and I came to a stop sign and came to a complete stop and waited till three vehicles came from the left side of me, while they were passing in front of me I looked to my right and saw no traffic approaching. The three vehicles passed in front of me and then I looked to my right once more and saw no traffic for the second time and pulled out in the intersection and that was when we were struck from the rear end by a motorcycle and it caused the van to spin around and flip over on its driver side.
I don’t remember very much because the last thing I remember was being at the stop sign and then when I opened my eyes the van was on its side and the clients were yelling and screaming and I heard sirens. I was crying and unbuckled my seat belt so that I could try to turn over and see how my clients were doing. I was unable to do so because the seat belt was stuck and I could not unfasten it. Paramedics were there within minutes and they were cutting part of the roof off to extract me and the six clients that were stuck in the van. Everything went by so fast and most of it is a blur but I was removed from the van and transported to the hospital where they ran several tests and they all came back good. I had a severe concussion and some back pain and my left arm had glass embedded in it. I asked what happened to the people who hit the van and if they were ok and they would not tell me anything. When I was released I was wheeled out into the front lobby of the hospital and saw a bunch of people crying and hugging each other and that was when it clicked that the other people were brought to the same hospital as me. I heard a nurse talking to my husband and heard that it was a motorcycle that hit us and the driver of the motorcycle had passed away and then occupant on the back was airlifted to Rockford and was in critical condition.
I was so upset and could not believe that the accident even happened and that is when my life changed and I can never go back even though I really wish I could. I have dealt with a lot since the accident it made the newspapers and I was persecuted by people I did not even know. They were saying horrible things like I should be charged with manslaughter and that if I would have stopped at the stop sign the man would still be alive. It got even worse when I was not charged with anything and was only ticketed with failure to yield to avoid an accident. Several times in town I was confronted by people I did not even know and they called me a killer and murderer and that caused me to not even want to go out of my house. I went into a deep depression and have not really come out of completely. I still have anxiety issues and occasionally have trouble sleeping and have nightmares. Due to the aftermath I am on medication and that is difficult for me because I don’t want to rely on a pill to make me feel good, but it has been much-needed and has helped on this journey through the darkness. Some days are better than others but I am hanging in there and dealing with the obstacles that come my way. I am currently in counseling and working through the aftermath of the car crash. It is hard because it feels like I am walking in a tunnel and when I look forward it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel gets farther and farther away. Everyone tells me to keep my head up and that is going to get worse before it gets better but to me it feels like everyday since the accident happened has been one bad day after another.
It does not help that his family and my family live in the same town and in a small town word gets around and that results in stares and people pointing at you and whispering behind your back. I can’t go back and change the events of that day and I will have to live with it for the rest of my life. Several lives were changed when them two vehicles collided with each other and if I could bring the driver of the motorcycle back I would but sadly life does not work that way. I lived and he is gone but I am dealing with enormous guilt because I am here and he is gone. I am hoping that releasing my feelings on this blog and receiving feedback will help me to see things in a different perspective.
I welcome any and all feedback all I ask is that if you are going to be mean and hateful please don’t bother to comment because I have enough going on right now and I choose not to deal with more negativity.